I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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