as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
