i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
