Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
