you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
