i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
