So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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