dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
