Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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