he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
