I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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