remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
how drunk are you?
Several
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
