My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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