She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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