I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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