What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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