OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
