You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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