dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
