I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
