the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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