So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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