Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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