I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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