my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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