brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
