My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
