I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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