I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
