So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
