I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
