Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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