Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
