i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
