I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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