i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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