Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
