I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
