someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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