So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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