we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
