Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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