My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
