I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
