1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
