I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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