You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
