I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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