walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
