If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
